This picture was taken before my whole world changed @ six years old when I lost my only child status. In this picture I am the only girl. In the extended family on both sides, I was the only grandchild for a brief time and I always maintained my status as the oldest.


I love this mid-century looking image of me at four years old with neighbor boys who lived down the road and across the road from our farm. I wish could remember what I was thinking when we were posing for my Mom who created the pop-cycles we were eating on a hot summer day.



My memoir, which is in the final stages of proofing, a memoir about my decade in Freudian psychoanalysis, a memoir that describes in embarrassing detail how I grew up feeling special and expected that to be the norm, tracks how I dismantled those expectations and expanded my inner landscape.


I have no memory of this event or photo but it may show me that being the only, being special, wasn’t as wonderful as I imagined it was once my life changed and I had to share it with others. Here, I look a bit lonely and scared.


Unconsciously, I must have felt that I had lost something when my parents brought more children into my home. Consciously I tried to be happy with the changes and be a good girl who helped her Mother, while ignoring my feelings of loss and missing my special status.


It is hard for me to admit that it was my own stubborn clinging to an idealized past that caused me stress and anxiety.


Gradually I am learning that everything in life changes and that finding the goodness in the present moment is the secret sauce for thriving. That for me, it is the letting go of the need to be special and going with the flow that makes for a rich, rewarding life.


What “need” do you need to let go of?

Category
Tags

6 Responses

  1. I find it remarkable that in a discussion after Mom‘s death, we siblings all individually felt like we were Mom’s favorite. And I also find it remarkable that I didn’t feel any jealousy towards my siblings, only love. I have since reconciled the feeling of being special with the fact that everyone is special. We all chose to come here with our unique talents to share with the world.

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

    • Oh Nina – I remember that discussion too. Mom was an amazingly loving woman wasn’t she?

      Thanks for reading and your input! Helps!

  2. I always had the middle child syndrome; my older brother was obedient and serious and my younger brother was beautiful (he had the curly hair I should have had), good natured and just plain sweet. Then there was Me! I have never been able to smile and chuckle at that feeling. Still my parents loved me! The feeling was mine.

    • Shirley – this is such a self aware person’s description of their position in biological family. Your statement that the feeling was yours warms my heart –
      I think what I’ve learned in analysis is that the feelings are mine. It took me a long time and thousands of dollars to come to that conclusion for myself.
      I cheer you for your wisdom!
      Thanks so much for commenting and reading. So appreciated!

      • I appreciate your affirmation because I still waffle with the little voice that whispers mean things in your ears! I like your Blog.

        • Oh thank you Shirley! I certainly know about that mean whisperer in my ear! I keep hearing over and over, from meditation teachers the most,
          “Be Gentle with yourself. Be Gentle.” So I try. It’s hard sometimes but knowing that others are fighting the same battle to silence inner voices
          sometimes helps.

          I am so glad you enjoy my blog. Thank you for letting me know. I have a lot of fun creating it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *