This picture was taken before my whole world changed @ six years old when I lost my only child status. In this picture I am the only girl. In the extended family on both sides, I was the only grandchild for a brief time and I always maintained my status as the oldest.
I love this mid-century looking image of me at four years old with neighbor boys who lived down the road and across the road from our farm. I wish could remember what I was thinking when we were posing for my Mom who created the pop-cycles we were eating on a hot summer day.
My memoir, which is in the final stages of proofing, a memoir about my decade in Freudian psychoanalysis, a memoir that describes in embarrassing detail how I grew up feeling special and expected that to be the norm, tracks how I dismantled those expectations and expanded my inner landscape.
I have no memory of this event or photo but it may show me that being the only, being special, wasn’t as wonderful as I imagined it was once my life changed and I had to share it with others. Here, I look a bit lonely and scared.
Unconsciously, I must have felt that I had lost something when my parents brought more children into my home. Consciously I tried to be happy with the changes and be a good girl who helped her Mother, while ignoring my feelings of loss and missing my special status.
It is hard for me to admit that it was my own stubborn clinging to an idealized past that caused me stress and anxiety.
Gradually I am learning that everything in life changes and that finding the goodness in the present moment is the secret sauce for thriving. That for me, it is the letting go of the need to be special and going with the flow that makes for a rich, rewarding life.
What “need” do you need to let go of?