I have believed for most of my life that having sad or negative feelings meant I had done something wrong, and I was a bad person. A good person would always have happy feelings. Where do these preposterous ideas come from?
On October 28, 2022, the love of my life, who is never sick, asked me to call 911. He knew he was having a heart attack.
Now, it is November ninth, and we are home. Wendell is recovering well, and we are both so thankful. If you were to ask me how I’m doing, I would try to be honest, mentioning that I am exhausted and feeling emotionally unstable, but then I would add, “but I’m really okay.” Barry Magid, author of Ordinary Mind, writes that when we add these types of reassuring phrases it is a way to deny how difficult an experience has been. He may be right.
But still, I have been close to tears throughout the day. If pressed, I would be unable to give you an exact reason for my inner turmoil. I say to myself, “I should be okay, be at peace, be in the moment.” It’s kind of confusing. I feel so joyous that we were able to get lifesaving treatment for him. And part of me believes that I should be handling this better. After all, wasn’t it Wendell who had the actual heart attack? Why am I having so many feelings?
Yet another inner part is simply proud of recognizing these attempts to rationalize away the real pain that I’m feeling. I am trying to go beyond my old defense of rising above everything.
I was comforted by reading an interview with eighty-three-year-old Robert Aitken Roshi. Aitken said that if his house were to burn down and he was to lose his books and paintings, it would be a terrible blow to him and he wouldn’t be able to say, ‘Well everything is transient, and I shouldn’t be attached, and all that kind of rubbish. I would really suffer.”
So if a Roshi (old master) says that he would be upset at the loss of his material possessions, I guess it makes sense that I am having lots of feelings about my husband having a heart attack.
Have you ever used a reassuring phrase to deny the difficulty of an experience?
IMAGE: Nina framed this design from a dress I wore for my 50th birthday. When I wore that dress, I didn’t realize how young I was.
