I practiced my 2-minute presentation for the Zion-Zoom 30th Anniversary Party for 3 days, maybe 4. It seemed important to stay within the time frame allotted – my good girl persona making its appearance despite a decade of analysis. There is nothing inherently problematic about trying to be good unless it gets in the way of being one’s self.
As I think about my behavior preparing for this presentation, I don’t think that being good got in my way this time but another issue did: My rush to get things settled and decided.
Once I had written down what I was going to say, I was bound and determined to time it and get the task done. I succumbed to the lure of accomplishing something!
I’ll share what I wrote and eventually said but don’t feel you have to read it – it’s in a smaller font. If I were you, I’d skip it resume reading after the next image.
My author name is Nicola Mendenhall and my memoir, Fear, Folly, & Freud will give you – or the person you purchase it for – an inside look at how powerful the unconscious is in ordinary life. Why do you do some of the things you do? If you do not like the word unconscious – you can call it the “inner child” – not exactly the same but close. OR you could say that the unconscious contains anything you do not want to know about yourself.
If you read my memoir, and I hope you will or gift it to someone you think needs it – you will learn that it took years for me to surrender my ego. Years for me to know that in order to live a good life, a meaningful life, I had to give up the idea that when I felt flawed or dysfunctional, it was because I had done something wrong.
Reading my memoir you will learn how I had to discover that not admitting to myself when I was angry or upset but dismissing these feelings, doing what my analyst called “being above it all” – was the problem!
As you turn the pages, you will discover how I learned not to get rid of my negative characteristics by denying them or ignoring them or fixing them, but how I learned to embrace them. Let them be.
After you read my memoir, you will not look at yourself (or me) in the same way. I hope you, or the person you gift it to, begin to wonder what hidden gems lie beneath the surface of your own conscious mind? Thank you.
But here’s what I WISH I would have said:
In this do-over, I would start by saying that I remembered fondly the first time I sat with Mary at her kitchen table after she had read a rough draft of my memoir. Then I would explain what she said when she looked me in the eye:
“There’s an important message in your manuscript. The world needs this. Let’s work together and publish it.”
Mary’s words of course are paraphrased but I know she said something like,
“This is important for people to read.”
I looked at her with both joy and tears in my eyes. Someone thought my idea was worthwhile. Someone was going to help me get it ready for the world!
Why didn’t I say that?
But there will not be another Zion Zoom party so my wish for a do-over won’t be granted. What can I learn from this?
Another issue I worked on in analysis comes to mind. It has to do with my desire for perfection. In psychoanalysis, I had to learn that there is no such thing as perfection!
Remembering this, my angst regarding a do-over suddenly does not feel so strong. I know myself better as a result of my time in analysis. I’m still working on slowing down and not being so driven to finish and I spy my pesky perfectionism sooner.
Let me ask you – When & why do you want a do-over?
I love to hear from you!