As the neurologist reviewed my MRI scan, I tried to take deep breaths, to not tense up and hold my breath. The exam room was outfitted with a table and large monitor. Eventually the Doctor raised his gaze from the screen, turned to face me, looked me in the eyes: “Parts of your brain are atrophied.”
The above memory manifested in my mind shortly after the ceiling light over the bed flashed on. It was 1:30 A.M. This light has mysteriously turned on in the past but this is the first time my rude awakening resulted in a recollection.
Buddhists speak of events occurring because of causes and conditions. The shift in focus from what is behind us to a focus on what is inside us may be one cause and condition that brought up this memory. When I heard the word atrophy, there was, for me, an insinuation of failure. It was a difficult word to hear. I didn’t want to remember this memory.
When I think about our new focus of going inside, I don’t think of writing about the brain, I think about ideas that relate to the mind. Perhaps the nearly midnight memory is my unconscious trying to draw attention to the more biological aspect of going inside.
Am I worried about what the neurologist saw on the MRI scan? Of course. But since the shunt was inserted on February 28, 2017, I have felt the healthiest I have for years.
Maybe the lesson here is to not make assumptions about what we see but pay attention to what we feel.
How do the physical properties of the brain relate with our inner lives? Where do you think the mind is? What areas of your life do you need to look past appearances? Please let me know what you think and feel.
It appears that going inside is going to be interesting!
CLUE for the week: Celebrate summer and appreciate going outside without a coat and hat with both your brain and your mind. Let me know what you like best about summer if you are in the Northern Hemisphere!
Thanks for exploring the mystery – Nicky Mendenhall
Note: The mushrooms in the image above are from the walk where I encountered the ripped apart tree image last week. Wendell reported they were gone the next day.
4 comments
Hi Nikki, I was interested in your sentence about not making assumptions about what we see, but to pay attention to how we feel. After three months of daily walking on the treadmill, I felt brave enough to step up on the scale. The first thing that came to mind was, looking at the scale, the number may not be as low as I would like, but how do I genuinely feel? WOW- sooo true
Rebecca – what a wise attitude you have developed! I'm so glad that a number wasn't potent enough to make you feel bad but that you stayed with your feeling of accomplishment of sticking with daily walking for three months! WOW indeed!
Thanks for reading and commenting! Always so good to hear from you!
Hi Nicky. This post made me think about loss and about how our bodies–including our brains–change as we age. I have been noticing some changes in my physical self lately, which don't exactly feel like failure but are difficult just the same. As for summer–it's my favorite season! I love it hot and sunny, love summer rain showers, don't even mind the humidity.
As always – SO good to hear from you. Thanks for sharing that you notice changes and while they are difficult, they aren't failure. This seems to be a good way to think about aging. For me it is difficult to get tired sooner than I would like, there are so many creative projects calling me. But the positive part of the weariness is that I can rest and contemplate.
I hope the hot, sunny weather comforts and eases the difficulties. I look forward to hearing more from you. If you ever want to write me a private email, you can just reply to the email you get in the mail.
Thanks for continuing to read and respond – so helpful!
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