Facing Myself 4.9.2022

I want to be a grandmother who is fun and up for anything. But by mid-morning, the day after my husband Wendell’s daughters and their families reunited in our living room for the first time in three years, I am considering escape routes. I am struggling though I don’t like to admit it. The living room floor is covered with toys—100% okay with me. The couch cushions are flying through the air—0% okay with me.

It is now late morning of a new day and we are all huddled together in the living room, as it is too cold to go outside. I am hungry. No one will say what they want to eat for lunch because no one else is hungry. I think ahead to the rest of the week entertaining these dear young women who I love thinking of as my daughters, the daughters I always wanted and never had. Observing the two precious bonus grandchildren wrestling, I worry they will crack their heads on the stone fireplace or the sharp corner of an end table. At that moment, 11:30 AM on Wednesday, I am not feeling fun. I confess yearning to escape to my desk and work on revising my second book. I sincerely love everyone, but I do not feel loving. To make matters worse, I hate myself for feeling this way. I want to feel differently. I’ve looked forward to this week for so long. What is wrong with me?

I look out the window and see a package on the doorstep. I bring it in and open it. I swallow hard and roll my eyes when I read the book’s title: The Heart of Unconditional Love: A Powerful New Approach to Loving-Kindness Meditation.

It might be a stretch to say that after that, I feel loving. But simply reading the title containing the words unconditional love brings me back and reminds me that I deserve love even when I don’t feel loving.  And since I am hungry, I go enjoy my favorite citrus chicken salad, and that also helps. I feel hopeful that it will become easier to enjoy myself, and that the rest of the week will be fun. And I hope it will be that way for everyone!