Facing My Roots – #113

Here’s my nasty little secret: When I was informed that two ash trees in my backyard would be cut down, I wasn’t nice.  My words were harsh; my body language rigid. 

The reason given for cutting down ash trees was the ash borer. As I was pursuing the borer, I discovered the borer wasn’t the only factor.

Some people really wanted grass and thought trees were partially to blame for the grass not getting enough sunlight.

If it means trees will be cut down, I said, I don’t want grass. I said I don’t want the chemicals that are used on grass in my backyard. Smelling lawn chemicals can trigger headaches. How can these types of chemicals be good for the environment? 

I said I am the canary in the minefield. They said chemicals aren’t harmful.  

I continued to rant and rave. I said, let’s put in wildflowers. They said that doesn’t match. I said, let’s make a native prairie. They said that won’t work. I said, lets make a pond! They said there is already a pond on the property. 

I felt uncooperative and wasn’t even certain I was being heard.  

As I continued to express my concerns, I reluctantly began grieving the loss of the trees. The mourning included picturing the promised new trees (they looked too short). I pictured empty space (it felt too empty). My mind just couldn’t bring itself to picture and welcome grass.

When we left town, our phone call to the association manager was still unanswered. Trying not to grasp dismay or feed fear, I sat with the unresolved issue for several days. This was difficult for me – my pattern is to want things settled and decided. Often this desire causes problems that wouldn’t be problems if I was only patient.

We returned home, the phone rang.

The word was that the trees don’t have to be removed.   

My expressions of dismay and outrage were heard.  

Next time I want to be less harsh and rigid while staying true to what I think and need.

Is it sometimes difficult for you to speak of what you want or need?  Where would it be healthy for you to go against what others expect of you?  Are you like me and either nice or nasty? Let me know how it is for you when you disappoint someone.

Thanks for exploring the mystery – Nicky Mendenhall

Picture taken on nature walk, Rogers, Arkansas. I was taught by my Mother that conflict was wrong. These roots represent how I cling to being nice.