Thanks to those of you who responded to my last post! I appreciate hearing from you.
It’s been a long couple of weeks and I am struggling with finding the words to express all that I’m feeling. I feel strongly that I want to stay connected with you, my readers, and not drop out of sight. Please bear in mind this struggle and know that I am sending this hoping it will serve you in some way. Writing this post, which is now in its third iteration, has at least helped me!
I am becoming clearer about one aspect of my inner life: when faced with a situation that feels catastrophic, my first reaction is to plummet into despair, an aspect of a larger ‘all or nothing’ pattern true for me as long as I can remember. I am longing for ways to handle the ups and downs of life that won’t jerk me around so much. I know that this will take time.
After my plummet, the morning of November 6, 2024, I wondered how I would ever rise above it. After several difficult days, I was finally able to more cooly examine this abysmal feeling.
A question surfaced: What had I learned as a child about difficult emotions?
I remembered the emotional atmosphere of the family I had grown up in. We didn’t welcome the hard feelings. Joy? Yes. But when we expressed sadness, instead of being encouraged to feel it, we were instead encouraged to simply look on the bright side and find the good in whatever was causing the sadness. “There’s something good in everything” was repeated as if it were a protective mantra that would ward off sadness. It didn’t work, and when it didn’t, I would go up to my room and not speak to anyone. I would withdraw.
During the process of writing this post, I became more aware that withdrawal is another way I react when I catastrophize. Perhaps I’m afraid I’ll be told to look on the bright side? I withdrew from my partner when I heard the media reports on the 2024 defeat of Kamala Harris. It’s like I was a teenager again, locking myself in the room of my mind. This behavior, withdrawing in despair, is a well engrained habit pattern. I’m trying to recognize this pattern of mine and figure out ways to stay present in life even when I’m disappointed.
How do you stay present in life when there are disappointments?
Thanks for reading and being part of this community.
IMAGE: A picture from my files that I love because it evokes multiple feelings.
