Thanks to all my readers who wrote last week commenting about your version of catastrophizing! I felt very supported.
What I’m thinking about this week seems trivial in comparison. I’m currently wearing a sweatshirt that I used to love—bright yellow. Just the right weight and length. Soft against my skin. I purchased it on sale during the summer months knowing I couldn’t wear it until the season changed. I eyed it longingly in the closet all summer and fall until it got cold enough to grab it off my shelf. Pulling it on over my head, I sighed with pleasure. It fit perfectly and felt just right.
All my life I’ve thought I didn’t look good in yellow because of a mistaken notion that it didn’t jive with my complexion. But when I put this sweatshirt on, I glowed. I loved how it looked and how I looked wearing it. I didn’t want to wear anything else.
I say I used to love it, because recently I spilled some unknown food right down the middle and shortly after that I slopped several drops of purple hair serum formula right next door to the food stain. Nothing I have done works to remove the stains. This morning, while trying to get comfortable wearing it and hopefully atone for my sin of carelessness, I had the idea to dab yellow markers on each of the spots to make them invisible.
I’m sorry to report that the only effect was to make each of the stains more noticeable. Now the stain blended with the marker ink, red circles emerging along its edges.
Please don’t write to me with stain removing tips. I’ve tried everything!
It used to be my favorite sweatshirt. I had dreams of it becoming a signature piece – an article of clothing that I could continue to wear as I aged.
I thought I could keep wearing it, but it just doesn’t feel right. Even when I just wear it around the house, all I see are the stains.
Still, why is it so hard to let go? Am I punishing myself for what I perceive to be my own carelessness for spilling food and hair goop? Or am I just attached and don’t want to accept the end of yellow sweatshirt?
IMAGE: Portion of a painting hanging above my desk. Artist: Jenny Hahn, Kansas City, MO.
