The following sentence startled me on first glance:
“Without love there can be no happiness.”
These words jumped off the page. I underlined them.
“Without love there can be no happiness.”
I said them out loud as I debated whether they rang true. I’ve been avoiding blanket statements, the ones that lead to the belief there is only one answer, ignoring what I’ve noticed—that most things, when examined closely, are paradoxical.
After the visit from my California son (who has a birthday on July 4th) and his partner plus my granddaughter, her partner and my great grandson I could vouch that love is definitely a component of happiness. It was great fun spending time with each of them. Each one drew out a different part of me and each one offered me a unique gift. I was happy.
However, it wasn’t all a seamless glob of happiness. After looking forward for months to having everyone here, the night they arrived, I was disappointed that I didn’t feel very celebratory. I wondered what was happening inside me. I remembered having similar feelings in the old days when I blamed them on PMS. I haven’t had a menstrual cycle for many years so I knew it wasn’t that.
I hid out in the bathroom for a couple of minutes and while there, recalled how advice columnists always advise that when you have feelings you don’t like, you not try to change them. Instead, they say, stay with them. Face them. Contrary to this advice, I usually try to ignore negative feelings and tell myself that I don’t feel what I am obviously feeling. But this time, maybe it is because I am 80 years and 9 months old, I stayed with feeling kind of dead inside. After a few breaths, I heard these words: Nicky, you are just feeling a tad bit overwhelmed.
Even though I loved each person, there were just so many of them. And even though there were so many, some people I wanted to be there weren’t there. Our quiet living room was no longer quiet but it wasn’t full of everyone I wanted to hug. I hadn’t eaten for hours. I was a bit worried about whether I’d ordered the right amount of food to feed everyone.
Luckily I realized fairly soon that I was overwhelmed. Nothing else. My lovely granddaughter was on my computer trying to help me sign in to use our electronic frame so I said to her, “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” Saying it out loud somehow eased the feeling. I felt better after that.
The next day, Friday, I woke up feeling more like I had expected to feel. I was excited about talking to everyone. We went for breakfast at our favorite place and when the hostess who knows us asked me how many – two? I beamed and said, seven!
IMAGE: Reading in the sunroom.
