Feeling sad and disappointed, confused, not like myself, I decided to sit down, write, with the hope of understanding what was going on.
The stomach pains, which Wendell and I first thought were the result of food poisoning, turned out to be related to gluten sensitivity for both of us.
But as the days go by, I’m beginning to see an emotional component to my gluten sensitivity. Why was this attack so severe? Why had these stomach cramps led me to this place of despair? Why was I still feeling sad and ungrounded after several days?
I used a Wild Writing video prompt sent by Laurie Wagner, in which she reads the poem “What you missed that day you were absent from fourth grade,” by Brad Aaron Modlin. After she read it twice, I found myself struggling to comprehend that a kid could miss so much in one day. There were so many points of interest, so many bits of wisdom! If only I was paying attention, I could have known all those things too.
I sit with this realization for a moment and then renew my commitment to actually set the timer and do the fifteen-minute timed writing suggested by Laurie and here’s part of what came out of my pen:
I try not to think about my fear of being alone. My fear of losing Wendell. My fear of death.
As I began to put words to my fears, my breathing slowed.
It was just a few sentences, but you wouldn’t believe how difficult it was to begin writing them. And then the question:
Could this refusal to feel the obvious be behind my horrible stomach cramps?
At this, my hard-won honesty dries up. I can’t go there. Completely predictable, the “R” word appears in my mind:
Ridiculous. Why are you making such a fuss? Everything is okay. It really is! I didn’t lose my high school sweetheart – he is recovering.
The habit of making too much out of my feelings is threatening to take over. This is what comes from my pen:
I slam the “R” word directly at the feelings of fear and almost loss. I could be sitting here all alone. I could be lonely. I could be a widow. My chest area tightens. I feel a bit nauseated.
The fears are real. Yes, Wendell is okay, but I experienced trauma. My partner could have died. In addition, I am facing my own mortality.
Thank you for reading, dear friends. Aging is real. The fears of aging are real. Putting them down on paper helps me and I hope it is helpful to you. It is becoming clearer that aging is the subject of my next book.
Part of aging is knowing when you need to rest in order to create space for new insights to show up. I have been blogging weekly since 2012 – ten years! It feels like the right time to take a breather from weekly posts. My next post will hit your inbox on February 18, 2023. If you miss me on Saturday morning – or whenever you read exploring the mystery, I would suggest you designate that time to read Leaving Analysis or explore my redesigned website NickyMendenhall.com. I would love to hear from you. Email me at nicola.mendenhall@gmail.com.
IMAGE: A buck in our backyard showing me the importance of resting.
