I just woke up from a forty-five-minute nap I managed to take even though workers were pounding on the walls outside. They’re still prying off the old siding in preparation for the new. It’s quite noisy but I’m happy to be home from a week in Leavenworth, Kansas studying to become a Tai Chi Chih teacher.
I signed up for this accreditation course because I wanted to dig deep into the secrets of TCC. I studied practically night and day for months to master the nineteen movements and one pose, and I felt fairly proficient in most, with the exception of the pesky one aptly named Perpetual Motion Taffy. I figured I’d just have to fake that one.
But by the third day in Kansas my hard-won confidence had dissipated. I wanted to give up. During a ten minute break, my teacher, sensing something was amiss, asked me how I was doing. I said, “Not well. I’m really struggling.” She advised me to tell April, the teacher trainer in charge.
“No way am I telling her,” I thought to myself. But returning from break, as fate would have it, I bumped into April. She took one look at me and repeated my teacher’s question. I thought of faking it and saying that all was well. However, her kind, concerned eyes helped me decide to risk it. I confessed that I was ready to run out of the room. I wanted to forget the whole being a teacher idea. This was too hard and I would never be able to do a complete weight shift nor bend my knees at the right time or stand upright enough.
Part of me remembers her putting her hands on my cheeks (I doubt that happened but it could have). Then she said: “Nicky, you are right where you need to be.” and went on to explain the reasons behind what she said, which had to do with the challenges and messiness of transformation.
Class resumed and I pulled myself together while pondering what had just happened. Could I believe what she said? Could I trust her? What exactly was she saying when she used the word transformation?
It was an odd feeling to be heard and responded to that way. I’m so used to people trying to talk me out of being upset, agreeing with me or disagreeing with me. She didn’t tell me what to do. She just said I was right where I needed to be. I knew that I could quit if I wanted to, it was entirely up to me.
An emotional storm began passing through me. I’ve been told this can happen when you feel your feelings and risk being vulnerable. As the storm began to pass, we did the movement called Passing Clouds and I was able to keep track of many more details of the movement than I ever had before. I knew suddenly that I was going to continue my journey to become a Tai Chi Chih teacher.
IMAGE: I feel lucky to have found this photo in my files – please note – it’s not a doctored up file!
