During our monthly Zoom session, my California grandson and I discussed how making a vow to change behavior can be tricky. We agreed that if you make a vow based on your emotions, it will most likely be cast aside when those emotions change, as they always do. I wondered how he had learned this and if he had personal experience of breaking an important vow to himself. Maybe someday he’ll tell me.
After our conversation, I began thinking about my own struggle to follow through on vows. In particular, the vow to be consistent with my meditation practice and to meditate at least once a day. My other morning rituals: the vibration plate, Cool Mist treatment, and TrueBack seem to be more consistent. What is it about meditation that I tend to skip?
I like to think of myself as a meditator. I practice Tai Chi Chih, which is a moving meditation, but still my practice of sitting meditation is less than daily.
Thinking about what might motivate me to meditate every day, I tried to remember what I’ve been told in books and by my teachers: if a person meditates consistently, they will become familiar with their mind. I’m still not sure I know exactly what that means. When I go to meditate, as I kneel down assisted on my descent by the windowsills in the corner where my altar is, I congratulate myself for getting that far. I don’t do the rituals that are prescribed, like stretching my body or setting an intention. Maybe if I did those things I would be more likely to learn about my mind? After I light a candle, I begin to focus on my breath.
And then a thought comes. I’ve been told to let it go. I try not to pay much attention to what the thought is or get annoyed when it comes back, as it usually does. It might be about what I am going to do when I’m done or who I need to contact that day. I bring my attention back to my breath. I tell myself to keep my eyes open and pay attention to the breath. The timer goes off and I get up.
I do notice that I feel a great deal of satisfaction when I manage to meditate for ten minutes. It occurs to me that on the days I do sit down, I feel calmer.
Is this really true, I wonder? Do I feel calmer? Yes, I think that I do. In fact, I know I do.
Suddenly it occurs to me that maybe deep down I don’t wholeheartedly want to feel calmer. I have lots of things I want to do during the day. Being frantically busy sometimes feels good and productive. Maybe my fear is that being calmer would mean I wouldn’t get as much done.
Writing about this has been insightful. As a result of this investigation, I’ve decided that I want to make more of an effort to meditate. I’m feeling more curious about what goes on in my mind. When I meditate consistently, will I learn that my mind is capable of devising crazy ideas to stop me from meditating?
IMAGE: Me doing Tai Chi Chih – hopefully before (or after) meditating.
