Despite evidence to the contrary. my six decade old feeling Mom didn’t do hard stuff and didn’t teach me to persevere persisted, Hearing from my brother his memory that Mom encouraged him to do his best, I briefly considered the idea that no reason existed for my feeling and I should disregard it.
During a phone conversation with Lisbeth, one of my spiritual mentors and future daughter-in-law, I was surprised when she mentioned reading post #50. It reminded her of statements her mother made to her and how they undermined her desire to be a biologist: “You would have to take organic chemistry!” Her mother’s concern led Lisbeth to believe being a biologist would be too difficult. As she shared this, a memory became conscious:
When I was a senior in high school and knew everything, I informed my mother that I wanted to be a missionary in Africa. She responded, rather matter of factly as I recall, that this would not be possible: “Nicky, you have a weak constitution.”
Once this memory appeared, it was like a puzzle piece locked into place. At some level, knowing my mom thought I was weak, meant to me that I wouldn’t succeed if I tried something hard. Not wanting to prove her wrong, or probably more important if truth be told, look foolish, I established a pattern of giving up when things got too hard.
The good news is that I know neither Lisbeth’s nor my mother meant to discourage us, they thought they were being protective. And even more good news, is the fact that ways of thinking about yourself can change. Now that I know I am NOT weak, (I survived India three times), and that I have resources and support, I can tackle the hard stuff like writing a book.
One friend wrote and commented she thought it was brave of me to write about my analysis. Some days it feels really brave. Other days, in order to be brave, I cling to the first paraphrased statement on my manifesto:
Anything worthwhile or deep needs time and energy.
Thanks for exploring the mystery – Nicky Mendenhall
CLUE: The image represents how much is in the dark when we work on ourselves, there is so much we don’t know. Feelings are the lights that guide us. Pay attention to all your feelings this weekend, see what you can discover. Please let me know – we learn from one another!
10 comments
Nicky,
Your transformation from sickness back to health has to
be mentioned here. That had to have been one tough
journey. And look at you! You are one of the toughest
cookies I know. Give yourself credit where credit is due.
XO,Mary L.
Mary – I love that you said I was one of the toughest cookies you know! It was quite a journey – sometimes I think of it as resembling Inanna's journey to the underworld. Inanna had to give up something at each gate going down. When I lost my mobility and had to use a walker, I knew how Inanna felt giving up her precious jewels!
Thanks so much for your support. Thinking of myself as a tough cookie feels so good!
Reading your post made me think more about the messages I gave to my own children than what my mother conveyed to me. It's so interesting how a statement said in passing can hold so much power when we hold so much power (as parents do). I wish I had been more careful with my words!
Diane – I wish I had been more careful with my words to my three sons! My oldest told me quite awhile ago that I had called him an ametuer when he was painting the garage and that it hurt his feelings. I don't remember this at all but I have no doubt I said something of that nature but never with the intention to hurt him. I want to make excuses for my words saying that he took it wrong or that I was just teasing. But they were my words and they hurt him and I wish I had been more careful.
This makes me think of the Buddhist idea of right speech. As you said words have power and that power increases when they are said by a person in authority – a person who is your parent has ultimate power.
Thanks for reading and for letting me know what the post brought up in you. Very helpful.
We, even as parents, are all guilty of being human. I have found that the most healing response to my kids–no matter if they've remembered "incorrectly" or have misinterpreted–is "I'm sorry." I'm sorry is the naked truth and it goes a long way.
Oh that is SO true!
I'm thinking about your remembering incorrectly phrase. I've read some about memory and don't know if there is such a thing as an incorrect memory? Misinterpreted for certain. I think they are finding more and more that memories change every time we pull them up for inspection. I think that is very interesting – we could redo our memories if this is true!
Thanks for exploring mysteries with me Diane!
Hi @Nicky. Just read a couple of your posts on your blog. I find it fascinating that you are having discussions with your brother on your blog about your family in relation to your topics. It's a transparency that most people would not do, i.e. talking about family business. I can say for how I grew up, you NEVER talk about family business to anyone. It was totally taboo. To this day, we don't hardly talk about it even among ourselves. As I said fascinating, and I'm sure that's why you're drawing readers to your blog. Your openness and honesty. (
Thank you Francelia for spending time reading my posts! I feel very honored that you used your precious time that way.
Your comment that your family NEVER talks about business even to each other isn't so different from my family but I am wondering what my brother would say! I must admit that being open about family is easier now that my parents are no longer with us. They did change as they aged so perhaps they would be open to more discussion too.
Thanks so much for your kind words and for reading and commenting! So appreciated!
You are so right about mom and dad changing, especially dad, in my eyes anyway. Maybe it wasn’t so much change as the ability to relax after shouldering so much responsibility. I can’t imagine the stress he must have had.
Thanks Nolan for the affirmation of my feelings about parents changing. You mention especially Dad being able to relax because of less responsibility. I think that's correct but still admirable – not everyone learns to relax even when the external changes. I think changing the internal is difficult so I would say that he did change. I would agree that his stress level mush have been high his entire life being born right after his father lost an eye.
Thanks for checking in. Appreciated!
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