“The closer you get to anything, the less personal it becomes.”
Thus says Michael Stone,* a wise teacher who spoke on April Fool’s Day as part of the Daily Dharma series. Let’s see if we can unpack this sentence (I’ve always wanted to say that!) and make sure it wasn’t an April Fool’s joke.
When a relationship becomes more intimate, closer=less personal looks like:
…… the less you think about who the other is or who you are. Michael says that the closer you are to another person, the less that person has to do for you. I’m not sure I understand that.
If you are a meditator, closer=less personal may exhibit as:
……the more you feel your breath in your body as you are meditating, the less you think. Breathing becomes a function of the natural world. You don’t have to think about the breath, it just is.
When you get closer to your body, closer=less personal might mean:
……your body feels just like A body – not your body.
Does it make sense to you that closer=less personal ? Michael says the purpose of this idea is to help us feel more intimate with our day to day experience. It can help us be more embodied. Most of us, myself included, spend way too much time in our heads.
I know from my experience that when I pay attention to my body, my experience has a different character.
My massage therapist Kate Teas didn’t like Michael’s word personal and suggested that we change it to “in the now.” This makes sense to me – when you are really with someone, there is nothing but the present moment. The closer I get to another, the more in the now I am. Being in the now isn’t personal, it just is.
I wonder how closer=less personal fits with what we learned in the last post – things come together quietly and things make noise when they break apart?
I would love to hear from you. exploring the mystery alone is not as much fun as having a passel of friends throwing in their ideas!
Thanks for exploring the mystery – Nicky Mendenhall
*MichaelStoneteaching.com
4 comments
I agree with your massage therapist….substituting in the now makes more sense than personal. When I first read closer=less personal, I thought it the exact opposite of the popular phrase "up close and personal". Another interpretation could be in relationship with The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the four agreements is don't take it personally. Maybe the closer you get to the person who has offended you, you realize that it's not personal; it's not about you, it's about them and their perspective.
You are right about The Four Agreements – yes yes yes – It's not about us at all!
"up close and personal" – another good point to think about!
Thank you for your thoughtful message.
I've read through this post several times. It is somewhat an example of being over my head. I think it shows the different ways men and women perceive things. His statement about needing less from the ones you are closest to seems logical. I don't expect anything from my loved ones. Women seem to have different needs.
His original quote you cited made me think about my old Rolex watch. I remember reading about how things become less special as you get used to them. Kind of like "closer=less personal." I recall looking at every detail of it and then years later being in a class where you had to draw your watch without looking at it. I didn't get it right.
Thought your massage therapist needed to add "less" in front of "in the now" if she wanted to substitute it for personal.
Anyway, this post made me think and it being over my head is a good thing.
Thank you for bringing up the gender differences. I hadn't thought of that angle. It seems faintly damming of us women. Culture plays a big role in this difference don't you think?
Your watch story very touching. The phrase "I didn't get it right" makes me wonder how that made you feel and what you thought at that point.
I'm still thinking about adding "less".
Thank you for the time you spent reading this – I feel very honored. I, too, find that facing things that are over my head is a good thing.
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