Why are we exploring grief?
Because my friend Jo, suffering from liver cancer, has stopped eating and drinking.
I’m grieving.
She is fearless about dying.
Her last few months have been spent in a retirement hospital in New Zealand. When I asked her what she was experiencing, she said her room is pleasant; it has a window with a pleasant view.
She was in the moment. For years she has talked about and worked on being in the Now; now she is. She can still express loving feelings though she has virtually no mobility. We giggled during our last two calls.
What has my exploration of grief discovered?
Where there is grief, there is love.
As I reach out to friends for support to mourn a friendship I am losing, I learn anew the importance of friendships and the loving care I receive from them.
While pondering this new loss, I notice space opens up for me to revisit former unresolved losses. If I choose I can begin to heal unresolved anger and pain.
It is a very tender time. I’m listening to my body to learn what it needs.There is an element of mystery in times like these.
What do you know about loss? Have you ever made time to grieve? Do you feel that love is behind grief?
Share your thoughts on the comment page or email me.
Thank you for exploring the mystery of grief – Nicky Mendenhall
6 comments
Grief is like an unwelcome visitor you have to let in; it stays awhile, sometimes up close, sometimes at the edge of the room, then departs for awhile. You know it will return, but you can't know exactly when. If you get to a point that you can welcome it and put your arms around it, it will show up less frequently.
Comparing grief to an unwelcome visitor makes sense to me. Grief could also be compared to an unexpected visitor. The gifts grieving can bring are often unexpected. For me, the tender place grieving creates can help me open to new knowings.
Thanks for your wisdom – I know you have come by it honestly.
I wish you were not having to experience this loss, Nicky.
When I have had to deal with grief, I have different ways of doing it, as we all do. If my grief is certainly present but is not devastating to me, I let my myself go through it and experience every bit of it. I allow myself to be sad and live through it.
If it is a loss I just cannot stand (for example, the death of my grandmother 40 years ago – and whom I still miss every day), and I just cannot even imagine how I will get through it, I tell myself to turn it upside down. I focused on how lucky and blessed I was to have had her in my life. After some time had gone by and I could start to address the grief, this outlook was extremely helpful in my pathway through it.
Also, I realized that that's how I want people to think of me. Feel happy at having had me in their lives and sad that I'm no longer….but emphasize the happy!
Take good care of yourself…
Connie
Connie – thanks for your message and grief wisdom. You make it clear that different losses call for different strategies of grieving. That's important I think.
A quote from Winnie-the-Poo reminds me of the way you handle your grief about your Grandmother: "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." I have tried to use this in dealing with the loss of Jo. It helps.
Thanks again,
Nicky
Thank you for sending that quote, Nicky. It sums up exactly how I feel, and I'm sure how you feel, as well. I will keep that in my mind and refer back to it, I know.
I was very sad to read today of the passing of your friend, Jo. I know she was a blessing in your life and you will miss her. Sending my best thoughts your way…
Connie
I wish you were not experiencing the loss of your friend, Nicky.
I have different ways of dealing with grief, as we all do. When I have had to deal with grief that was not of a devastating nature, I gave myself the time to be sad – really allowed myself a way through it instead of trying to avoid it. I lived through it. But when I have had a loss that is devastating (for instance, my grandmother who died 40 years ago, and whom I still miss every day) and it was just too difficult to even address, I told myself to turn it upside down. Instead of being inconsolably sad, I decided to feel happy and blessed for having had her in my life. I realized how lucky I was to have had her. After a little time went by and I could start to experience my sadness without running from it, that new outlook really helped me through the grief. I realize this is easier said than done, and I had to work at it. I decided that's how I'd like to people to feel about me…happy I was here, but sad that I was gone. And I'd want them to emphasize the happy.
I don't know what others think of this, but it has helped me many times. Take good care of yourself.
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