On Tuesday, I didn’t feel like I wanted to feel. I know this will sound too dramatic but I found myself fighting against near despair. Would I always feel this tired and unmotivated? Part of me feared I would while another part piped up reminding me that since I hadn’t always felt this way, it should be obvious that I wouldn’t always feel this way.
This sort of helped until I speculated that the change I was picturing might be a change for the worser. I know, I know – worser is not a word but tell that to forlorn almost seventy-nine year old me who wanted to crawl back in bed.
Most of the time that morning, I felt a heavy load on my shoulders. I slouched out to the kitchen for breakfast wondering if I had enough energy to heat up my previously cooked-in-the-crockpot, steel-cut oats and then for extra protein, unwrap my CHOMPS meat stick. I didn’t feel up to either one.
The whole day was littered with feelings like that. I found myself at times coaching myself on all the ways everything changes every day (staying away from the idea that things could get worse). When I did this, I could breathe a little easier for a few minutes.
When I wasn’t wrestling the idea that everything changes, I began to focus on the advice I see offered frequently in the mental health field: be with what is. In other words, don’t try to change how you are feeling. Some experts go on to say don’t try and change until you really feel what’s going on. The idea is that feelings dissipate when focused on.
So I tried to practice that for a while. This brought up questions like:
Why don’t I feel well?
The answer came quickly: I am tired.
I then listed possibilities of why I was tired and anxious: I’m worried about traveling to my niece’s wedding. We haven’t flown since before the pandemic and it seems overwhelming to think about packing.
Soon another voice that I resisted snuck in: You are worried about being another year older.
Yet another voice pipped up goading me: What about the political situation?
Still another entry made an appearance on the list: Will my new COVID vaccine keep me safe?
I spent some time with all those questions using a combination of remembering that everything is always changing and the idea that if I stay with my feelings, they will resolve. It was confusing but the exercise of trying to remember things will change and that I could attempt to be with what is took my mind off my current melancholy.
Putting all these remedies together, got me through the day. I would love to know how you make it through the not-so-good days. Do you have other suggestions?
IMAGE: Thought this photo from my file illustrated what I described in this post.
