Do you love a good paradox?
Leaving our home has been so rare the last two years, that preparing to meet Sullivan my great-grandson contained many elements of strangeness. But strange alone doesn’t make a paradox. The paradox lay in how differently I felt and behaved.
Before my time in psychoanalysis, figuring out what I was going to pack when we left home was difficult because of my self-imposed requirement that I must always look perfect. I am embarrassed to admit, but in the past, I have hired a professional packer to help me when going on long trips. But this time, I didn’t touch the bright red suitcase Wendell brought up from the storeroom until the day we were leaving. That morning I woke up, checked the temperature, and decided to wear my camouflage sweater over a white blouse with my black cargo pants. That and my queen bee flannel pajamas were all I needed.
We arrived safely to my oldest son’s home that offers a breathtaking view of the Mississippi River when you walk in the door. I loved how the River was present. I loved how present I felt. I let nature nurture me. I let my son and his wife nurture me. I felt encouraged to go with the flow. When my great-grandson arrived, he stood on my lap and our eyes met. He looked curious and I imagined he had never seen a person with white hair before.
In the afternoon I heard talk of a walk outside. I thought fresh air sounded good, but first I needed a trip to the bathroom, and since it was chilly outside I donned my winter coat and hat. By the time I returned to the living room, I was alone inside. They had left without me! Where before I might have been miffed that they didn’t wait for me, this time, I chuckled to myself how fast they were and how slow I was. Also, I knew how important it was for me to be warm so I could enjoy my time with everyone.
Here’s the paradox. The more time we spend working on ourselves, whether it be therapy, introspection, a spiritual path, or writing practice, the more we can be with others. The more we feel connected with others. The energy used for looking perfect, being in charge, making sure nothing bad would happen is now freed up. Now we can spend this energy on being present with people who are important to us.
IMAGE: I was so busy enjoying myself that I didn’t take a picture of the Mississippi River. My son Matt took this photo from his yard last summer.
