“I’m so glad to be alive,” keeps coming into my mind this week.
This is not euphoria, but the sober realization that I don’t have forever in this body. Disconcerted by the fact that we will be attending a memorial service for a friend this week and remembering again that a woman I knew from the Zen Center will no longer be meditating with us because she passed away.
When I was a middle-aged woman in a youngish body, I wondered why every time I spoke with my mother, she would tell me who had died. More often than not, I didn’t know the person she memorialized or remember who they were. Today, if Mom was sitting next to me at the breakfast table, I would tell her I finally understand how there’s something tender about knowing we will never interact in physical form with a person that begs to be shared, whether the listener knew them or not.
It’s as if we need someone to witness our shock and disbelief that we won’t be able to share our latest idea about a mutual interest. Or thank them for a gift. Or tell them how much we appreciate their friendship.
These feelings and sensations are different from the ones I’ve shared with you over the last couple of weeks. The sadness and bewilderment is gradually being replaced by a curiosity and optimism for the future. I’m still disheartened about what is happening at a societal level. And on a personal level, there is disbelief, because I’m adverse to people dying in their early seventies. That’s way too young.
This shifting emotional landscape is allowing me to rejoice in seeing and smelling the beautiful tree we fetched from my cousin’s tree farm on my maternal grandparents’ homestead. Being back on that farm connected me to my roots. Nature soothes my restlessness and depression. There’s the joy I feel about meeting with a group early Saturday morning and then later that day, an intimate celebration of a friend’s birthday with cupcakes. There’s anticipation about my third Posture, Power and Balance class on Wednesday.
A friend on a Zoom call from New York told me today she remembered hearing a meditation teacher compare feelings to guests that visit us, that we should invite them in and listen to them, offer them tea. I thought to myself – well this week I have a full house.
I will sign off for now. I hope you are greeting your feelings and finding and getting to know them.
IMAGE: This image has nothing to do with this blog post. Can you guess where I found it?
