exploring the mystery cannot be accused of ignoring attachment as an important component of life. If your sense of autonomy has been begging for recognition: relief follows!
You may recognize a portion of the following quote from a previous blog. If you do, congratulate yourself for remembering – this is a great quote to have in your heart:
“We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide exempla for others.
“We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being………….
“We are here to become more and more ourselves.”*
If your attachments/relationships encourage you to become more and more yourself, congratulate yourself once again. Regardless of where you are now in your life, keep working to make autonomy and belonging, separateness and attachment balance!
Is it more difficult to be yourself when you are in a relationship? Please let me know by replying to this email or going to the blog by clicking on exploring the mystery at the bottom of this page.
Thanks for exploring the mystery – Nicky Mendenhall
*What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life by James Hollis, PH. D.
Photo materialized in my kitchen recently. Similar to the Buddhist practice of making beautiful sand mandalas, and then sweeping them away, this sculpture is no longer in existence.
5 comments
Sideways reply to this post of yours this morning.
Interestingly, yesterday I was chatting with a friend and at a certain point in the conversation he took a long time to describe in detail an experience he had had. While I was listening to him I took some time to watch HOW I was listening…that whole process of how I was automatically choosing to be with him in that moment. I watched myself nodding in agreement here and there. Making those little "uh huh" sounds once in a while, Sometimes softly saying "mmmmm". Watching my eyes follow his face, etc. As his story unfolded I became aware of an atmosphere between us. I almost want to say an energy field. And in that field, we were doing a dance together. His words had center stage. But they flowed out in this atmosphere of dancing…giving and taking…swaying every so slightly back and forth in that space together.
There was something truly automatic about it. I didn't have to think. I knew how to make that dance in a way that supported his words. I also saw that it was my choice to do so. My conscious choice to participate in his creation of this story. My choice in that moment to give myself to receptivity. Being myself in participation and support of someone else's creation.
Your experience reminds me of a word I am attracted to but don't completely understand : intersubjectivity. Intersubjectivity can be defined as a space that contains and a space in which to create. In this space the child is being and playing alone in the presence of the mother. According to Jessica Benjamin, to be truly alone with oneself paradoxically requires a sense of the other being there.
In other words, I think you are describing a space where your friend could truly be himself. A safe space is needed for self discovery. YOu had a different relationship to yourself during this interaction and a different relationship to your friend. This was a time of heightened awareness of both yourself and the other. This created a space I am calling intersubjectivity.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us – synchronistically speaking – I was toying with the idea when writing this post of mentioning intersubjectivity but it seemed way too complicated. Thanks for giving me the perfect example and opening!
Thanks, Nicky.
Lovely reply!
This is a big exploration.
You know, even in my Focusing I try to find ways to engage people in the bigger questions. I think that pondering them is part of living a truly healthy life for many people.
🙂
L
I think it is easier to be yourself when you're alone. I am really enjoying myself in my new single life…dancing to loud music, laughing at myself in a good way and following my body rhythms without regard to clock time. I guess you can do that in a relationship if it's really comfortable but that takes some time.
The good thing is we have time. Precious things/relationships do take time as you wisely said.
Good to hear of your happiness. Thank you.
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